Holy fuck have I had headaches the past few days! I'm sure it's at least in part to my renewed smoking, which like a good bipolar drug addict I dove back into full force. I am also exhausted - but that's understandable given that I've got four major projects going and I'm not getting much sleep. Plus, this fucking weather is about enough to do me in: the temps in the Midwest have been below zero with ridiculous wind chills down to the teens and twenties below.
Yesterday I guy I sponsor in the program came over, we talked about the steps, and just generally talked for a while. Then we ordered a pizza and watched Jack Ass 2. I have to admit it was hilarious. I should note, that I used to shoot up heroin with this guy - I cleaned up, but he kept going. Now he's getting sober and I'm his sponsor (funny how the worm turns, isn’t it?). Well, my lovely wife came through the door, took one look at us sitting on the couch watching the movie and eating pizza and it was too much for her: the memories of when the two of us used to shoot dope came flooding back and she got really scared and pissed off. She tried to blow off her anger as upset that we didn't save her any pizza (she doesn't eat pizza) but it was clear something else was wrong.
Later on when I returned from the meeting that my sponsee and I went to, she had calmed down and we were able to talk about her fears. I also suggested she call her Al-Anon sponsor - which is something I know I shouldn't do. I shouldn't interfere in her Al-Anon program and she shouldn't mess with my program. Anyhow , my wife called her and they are meeting tonight. I think she's alright, it was just the sight of us together again that threw her for a minute. On the lighter side, my sponsee is doing really well - his head is in the right place. Plus, given the fact that we used to be scumbags together, he's going to have a hard time lying to me.
Right now I'm at a coffee shop and I better quit screwing around and get some work done.
As ever,
Dr. K
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I'm sure that as time passes and your wife sees that you're safe in familiar situations that previously were abusive with substances, she'll learn to trust you more. My fiance was addicted to alcohol and xanax for about 6 months, and it took awhile for me to get comfortable with him being "not-addicted" anymore. I would say it took me YEARS, and he was only addicted for less than a year (that I know of, of course).
I think it's a huge gift of love your wife is giving you by supporting you through Al Anon. And...the same for you to her for working so hard to get well. You both need each other so much right now!
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