OK, this sucks, but I have to admit that I relapsed on cigarettes today. As of this morning it had been over a year since I'd shot heroin, nine months since I had a drink, and over two months since I'd had a smoke. I don't know what did it - I've been Jones'ing for a smoke all week and somehow today at the gas station I just couldn't take it anymore: I bought a pack and had one. I've had three so far today. My wife is not happy, but she's dealing with it pretty well.
I used that new drug Chantix to quit. It's a partial nicotine agonist and worked very well. However, three weeks ago I stopped taking it because I thought I was free of the smokes. About the same time I started taking Cymbalta. So, I don't know if it was stopping Chantix, starting Cymbalta, or the combination that got me, but I definitely think there is some brain chemistry at work here because I went from not even thinking about smoking for a month and a half to huge cravings over night.
Not that this is an excuse, but I've been doing some interesting reading lately that suggests that bipolars and schizophrenics tend to smoke, and smoke heavily, because the nicotine alters brain chemistry in a way that lessens symptoms: in other words, we are self medicating. That's not a free pass to smoke! In fact I hate smoking and I was so happy being off them. The cost, the smell, the fatigue, the headaches, the freakin' inconvenience (you can't smoke anywhere these days). Not to mention it makes you a social pariah - it's the new scarlet letter.
Anyhow, Monday morning I will call my doc and get a new prescription for Chantix and start all over. In the meantime I'll be smoking with the rest of the outcasts banished to the great outdoors (despite this cold snap in the Midwest).
As ever,
Dr. K
P.S. To clear up any confusion from earlier posts and comments: 1) I am not responsible for any other "characters" in the blogoshpere; 2) Everthing it says in the sub-header above is true; 3) If you take special note you'll see that I'm a Ph.D. (in a discipline in the humanities) and hence cannot write scripts for you miscreants out there; and 4) Everyone is welcome to leave comments, but I reserve the right to delete anything that is overly long.
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A rootin'- tootin'- shootin' heroin addict with a Ph.D., bipolar disorder, a pocket full of antipsychotics and a few good intentions.
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4 comments:
You're very inspiring to have accomplished so much for such a long time now. Don't be so hard on yourself over 3 cigarettes! You're considering ECT if Cymbalta doesn't work, and you're upset over breaking down and smoking? In the psych ward, just as you said, it was actually encouraged to patients who already smoked. There was a very small minority of us who didn't smoke, and I remember feeling "left out". HA!
Your wife may be a little upset that you caved a bit, but I bet she's more worried about you being depressed than anything.
Just concentrate on your well-being and getting through this (and you will! I promise!), and you'll see, like you already know, you're so much stronger than you ever knew. And you're pretty strong, that's for sure.
P.S. Sorry I thought you were "Ted". Do you know him or something? He's a creep for picking your site to do his damage. I was thinking...he's all over the charts, so maybe he's bipolar and manic, and that's how he found your site?
Please keep writing so I know you're ok!
KS,
Thanks for the kind words. In fact I'm much more upset than my wife is about my relapse. I was so pleased to be ride of the damned things.
As for "Ted": Yes, I do know him and he's a complete jackass. I'll spare telling you how our paths crossed, but I will tell you that I wouldn't spend a dime in one of his roach coach restaurants. I hope he leaves me alone, but I guess you risk exposure to assholes like him when you venture onto the web. As for whether he is mentally ill I'll leave it for the other bloggers to judge from his posts and comments. (I suspect he may be schizoaffective, but I don't know for sure.)
Maybe he'll grow up some day, but I doubt it.
Cheers,
Dr. K
Hey asshole,
you came to my site first. I've got something you can smoke on (but you'll have to do it more than 3 times a day). I would've at least smoked half the pack. Pussy.
Roach coach restaurants?
That is so untrue and uncalled for. I was going to offer you a dinner on the house because I felt bad for getting off on the wrong foot, but you can forget about it.
Ted - You're a jerk and everybody hates you. Why don't you just quit terrorizing the blogosphere, go into the kitchen of one of those greasy-spoons of yours and stick your head in the deep fryer?
Can't you see you are pissing people off all over the place?
Go away!
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